By Daryl C. Hannah - Jun 5, 2009
Also read: same-sex marriage, LGBT, religion, homophobes, voters
Ask anyone who has come out at work and they'll tell you--it's not easy. But it's especially difficult if you work with people who are likely to say the 7 Things NEVER to Say to LGBT Coworkers.
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"When coming out, one is always prone to anxiety," says PricewaterhouseCoopers executive Stephanie Peel. PricewaterhouseCoopers is No. 5 on The DiversityInc Top 50 Companies for Diversity® list. "I came out personally in 1997 and came out professionally in 1999. Fortunately, I never heard anything not positive, but that is not the case for many people who come out."
While more straight people are advocating for equal workplace rights for LGBT coworkers these days, many don't know how to welcome a coworker who has recently come out of the closet.
"More leaders and managers in the firm ask me, more than anyone else, what are good things to say when an employee comes out or is gay. I always encourage them to put themselves in the other person's shoes," says Peel.
Selisse Berry, executive director for Out & Equal, advises such managers to be open about being unsure of what is appropriate to say in these circumstances. "People respect people when they admit to not knowing much," says Berry. "It may be better to acknowledge your own ignorance."
In DiversityInc's Things Never to Say series, we've given plenty of examples of insensitive comments to avoid. Now we are turning the tables and offering advice on some things to be mindful of when talking to LGBT coworkers. Here are some suggestions for opening a pathway to better communication with your LGBT coworkers:
Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me.
Saying "thank you" when someone first tells you he or she is gay removes any type of judgment from your response, says Peel. "I think any response other than 'thank you' may come across as uncertain and may ring hollow. It's a welcoming response," she explains.
A simple "thank you" is the appropriate alternative to saying "I suspected you might be gay" or, worse, "I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't say 'I'm sorry,' just as you wouldn't apologize for someone's ethnicity or someone's gender," says Berry.
What pronoun should I use when referring to you?
Questions about transgender people or people in transition can be difficult. But if you are genuinely interested or inquisitive, the best thing to do is approach the person and ask, says Berry. "Own your own discomfort or unfamiliarity," she says. "Be honest about your feelings and admit it if you have never had an opportunity to talk to a person transitioning."
I feel very comfortable around you.
"I don't consider you gay" is a phrase sometimes used by well-meaning people to express their level of comfort with an LGBT person. But this is not a sensitive way of expressing those good feelings, warns Peel. She says, "There is no good interpretation that a GLBT person can take from that comment." Instead, simply say what you mean, whether it's "I like you," "I feel comfortable around you," or "I'd like to be friends with you," she advises.
Acknowledging the bond that you share with your LGBT coworker is the best way to express your looking "beyond the fact that they are gay." Articulating that bond is also a great way of showing that you are LGBT-friendly and accepting of your coworker's orientation.
How was your weekend?
Including LGBT coworkers in the "weekend conversations" allows for open communication and is a way to encourage LGBT coworkers to bring their "whole selves" to the office. "The weekend conversation is a great gateway for straight allies to demonstrate that they are supportive of an inclusive culture," says Peel, who adds that what you say is not as important as showing that you are interested and open to hearing about your coworker's life outside of work.
It's as simple as asking a coworker, "How was your weekend?" If straight coworkers have LGBT people in their family, Berry says it's a good idea to "bring it up, bring that into your weekend conversation," as a way of making a connection.
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