10 Things NEVER to Say to a Black Coworker

How is, "You're so articulate" or "You're so smart" even remotely racist? That's utterly ridiculous, unless the person explicitly ends the statement with, "... for a black person." I'd tend to think that if an individual perceives such a colorblind compliment as racially derogatory, then it's he or she that needs to do some soul searching, not the one giving the compliment.

When will pompous, overly thin-skinned individuals realize that playing the race card at every fringe opportunity only dilutes and marginalizes the myriad cases of real racism that occurs? As a minority in America (Korean), I genuinely appreciate the spirit behind the PC-movement and have obviously enjoyed some of the beneficial changes it has facilitated, but I think we've gone way too far to the point where political correctness is seriously hurting race relations rather than helping. In many cases, I think it has turned even good-hearted and sympathetic people into jaded, angry individuals who are weary of walking on eggshells and feel like they're going to get the race card thrown in their faces no matter what they say or do.

Furthermore, perhaps it's personal taste, but I can't understand why any minority would want to be around individuals whose minds have been so scrubbed and sterilized by PC that they've become too afraid to make even benign allusions to your basic physical and cultural differences. Am I saying that I'd prefer to be around racists? Of course not, but I'm also uncomfortable around individuals who try too hard to be PC. Such well-meaning people always come across as awkward at best (and reticent at worst), as one can easily sense that they're obsessively weighing, reweighing, and sugarcoating every word that comes out of their mouths in fear I might construe what they say as racist. Ironically, to the cynical minority, such an exhaustive, contrived effort at being PC probably comes across as being anything but.

In situations where someone is suffering from a PC coma, I always try to break the ice by making a silly, off-handed remark about my race or culture to lighten the mood and show that I'm not going to bite their head off if they, God forbid, notice my physical traits mark me as someone whose roots trace back to the Orient. In social settings, I'd say this almost always brings them out of their PC-induced shells, but unfortunately, in the work environment, my attempts at racial self-deprecation are far less effective (and understandably so).

To emphasize though, I'm not a minority that goes around constantly putting down their race or culture for the sake of a few chuckles and conditional acceptance by others. I actually despise professional comedians (regardless of race) whose repertoire consists almost entirely of racial self-deprecation. It might have been edgy and cool in the 80's and 90's, but nowadays it comes across to me as desperate, cliche, and very exploitative.

In my case, I simply use such humor to show that others can let their hair down and be themselves around me. Besides, I'd much rather know that what people are saying to me is indicative of their true feelings and not some consequence or obligation imposed by misguided groups who think the way to racial tolerance and acceptance is through racial anonymity.

Quite frankly, I think it's time people in this country started to develop thicker skins and give others the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the issue of race, instead of assuming everyone we meet is out to get us or put us down because we're different from them. I think the intent behind someone's words should be worth much more than the words themselves, which is obviously not the current state of affairs. There's way too much real intolerance and racism in the world (i.e., individuals and groups that actually DO want to hurt you because of your religion or the color of your skin) to give even another minute of consideration to relatively inane cases where someone's feelings got hurt because someone else was trying to give them a genuine compliment. How childish.

Don't black women shave their legs? I am white, and I shave my legs. Are black women so lucky?? Man!

As a highschool student, I participateed in a summer program which included a diverse group,about 5 years ago. I was asked "Is it true that all Black women shave their legs?" I gave off an expression of pure confusion. However, verbally calmy explained to her that it was not true and cited various examples of it.

And while millions of Blacks might have voted for President Obama primarily because he was Black (weren't those voters seeing color?), millions of other non-Black voters (including me) voted for him not because (nor in spite of the fact that) he is Black, but because, regardless of race or gender, he was a superior candidate and will, no doubt, be one of our best presidents.

Claudia Holmes

Why do you assume that millions of blacks voted b/c Obama was black/biracial? Did Bush being the worst president in the history of leaders have nada to do with it? How about the fact that the competition was part of that admin? No brainer, hun. Hair issues: yes i take offence to ppl wanting to touch my hair like im in a petting zoo. Women of all races get tracks put in, but black women get the flack b/c with us it's usually more noticeable.

* "Why should non-blacks be warned not to say something to a black person?" I mean, doesn't this just re-enforce some core racist behaviors on both sides that were trying to get rid of? Matthew Forys*

I think the objective is to educate, not re-inforce. Just like visiting a mosque and not taking your shoes of, how would you know if your not corrected when something is incredibly offensive? Matthew, you sound very defensive. Might i suggest finding a grain of truth/meaning in each experience rather that scrapping the notions entirely?

I read a few comments and determined, right or wrong, that the purpose of the never say...articles is to just bring our attention to what we say and how we say it to other people...we call this self-monitoring and would love to see people do a bit more of it.

Excuse me Marian I believe you did'nt get it. African AMERICAN is americanized if she is from America(obvious she is black) I have to say your name IS NOT Latino. I find it interesting if not stupid that you think a white man who does'nt see you as a minority is not a man. Do you have some advantage over others because you are a Latino women? I am a women and I don't feel I deserve special treatment.

As a caucasian, I find it offensive that someone would feel it necessary to list 10 things never to say to a black person (or any other person of color). This is ridiculous! It's reverse discrimination to think that caucasians would need such a list! Jerks come in all colors - get used to it. Read the comment from the overweight person - everyone has something to say about somebody. No one is SO IMPORTANT that they need a list of guidelines for the rest of us. How about responding to something you find offensive with "Why would you say that?" Don't lump me as a caucasian in the same group as people who have little or no social manners. And, by the way, I have told lots of women that they look pretty for the sheer fact that they do look nice - and I've been impressed by people with good educations by telling them that they're "smart". It's a genuine compliment to be told you're pretty or smart. Why not simply say, "Thanks!"

I've noticed that there are several articles about what not to say to your co-workers on this site including "What not to say to White co-workers" and "What not to say to Asian American co-workers." What I have noticed is that the level of hostility targeted towards the article about "What not to say to Black co-workers" is very telling. People are not particularly angry about the individual points mentioned in the article. They are anger that any "N****" would dare restrict what they can say to "N****." They don't believe that black people have the right to set healthy boundaries with other groups. When I was working in Los Angeles, I had a co-worker/friend who was Hispanic who was constantly attempting to insult me by disparaging my racial characteristics such as my hair and skin color. At one time she said that I looked like "Buckwheat." When I told her that I found that offensive and that if she continued to say these things to me we would no longer be friends or communicate, she got upset and said (and I will never forget these words)..."Why are you people here like that, in Peru, I can say to my black friend 'Hey slave!' and they just laugh." We are no longer friends. People who attempt to disparage you for ANY reason are not friends. You CANNOT educate these people. I repeat education is NOT possible. These people are boosting up their low self-esteem by putting you down. Identify and avoid.

Another great resource on multi-generations is "From Boomers to Bloggers," by Misti Burmeister. As a "boomer" myself, I found it fascinating how different our generations perceive the same things; but at the same time, we really want the same results.

When I was in High School, I was a Homecoming Queen. I had a white female tell me to my face. You're pretty for a Black girl, as if Black females can't be pretty. As I got older... many people still would say it, but I stopped getting upset over it. I'm over 40 now, and someone said just last week. "You're attractive, you know that?" I just smiled, and moved on. Once I had a white male coworker/friend to make fun of my full lips. I said to him at least I have lips, and we laughed it off. Life goes on.

At this point, I have stopped talking to anyone. As seeing as my natural enthusiasm for people's hair, where they went to school, or if they want to join me for lunch by asking anyone if they will eat "xyz", will just lead me to a trip to the HR office. I am still waiting for a "What not to say to an Overweight co-worker". Big 1... "should you eat that?" I will sit at my cube in quiet, and be percieved as the odd unhappy fat girl. After all, aren't all fat people supposed to be happy?

I want to say thank you first for putting these articles up,especially this one. I wanted to believe the things listed are for people who watch way to much tv. I can't believe these things have even been whispered in an office. I guess it's because Atlanta is a very diverse, but Chocolate and Caramel city if you get what I mean, which is where I was born, raised, and educated. I would like to add that not all African American women wear weave, so please don't make the THIS mistake out of them all! And for those of you who may be thinking that African Americans talk "white" when speaking correct English need to read their history. We African Americans have a different dialect in every language, including the Engish spoken in the USA. It's called dialect, accent, culture. Look them up!

Teresa,

Thanks for your comment below. You may be interested in an article relating to your suggestion on what not to say to white coworkers:

9 Things NEVER to Say to White Colleagues http://www.diversityinc.com/public/3420.cfm

Let us know what you think!

I agree with most of the articles. It is refreshing to hear comments from both sides. Our society is mostly influenced by media and the negative remnants from past years. It seems that our cultures have been set up to be separated by silly questions and easily offended recipients. How is a white person or other race person to know the things that would offend a black person if they never had a close relationship with one and vice versa. I have had friends who wanted to know things about my hair and I was curious about their routines. I found it to be a pleasant experience. We both satisfied our curiosity and neither one of us was offended. It also helped to dispel some myths. Like the post from Matthew Forys above stated, we should not be offended so easily. I am a black woman and yes I have experienced some if not all of these examples. A lot of times by observing the person you can determine if the comment was made out of genuine, innocent curiosity or made out of ignorance. I don't think this article was stating not to say these things but to be aware that this may offend some. The article was not speaking for the whole of "black" America. We could as easily come up with a list of what not to say to your white co-worker.

I was born in a country which is now very multi-cultural (Australia), and proud it. I've worked with co-workers from all over the world and with a wide variety of skin color, hair type, body build, eye color and dress habits. I have lived for a while in a foreign country where I stood out as the only white skinned person. I lived in another where my skin color was the same but the language and culture were very different from mine.

I long ago stopped seeing skin color as anything other than one of a range of human characteristics that has absolutely nothing to do with whether I will like or respect the person. As a personal preference I prefer darker rather than lighter skins, but that I have close friends from the whole damned spectrum.

None of this background would help me avoid some of "bloopers" on this list.

Although I have lived in the US for 10 years I had no knowledge that Americans with darker skins were supposedly partial to fried chicken and watermelon. I could so easily have insulted someone by asking them if they would like to join me and my family at KFC. Fortunately none of my family is particularly keen on water melon so we would probably avoid that.

The one that really shocked me was the assertion that I would insult someone with dark skin if I asked them where they studied and then expressed surprise and admiration to discover that they had graduated from a school with an excellent reputation. I could not imagine that being seen as an insult to someone of any color in my country of origin, or an insult in either of the non-English-speaking countries I lived in.

I taught English to Indonesians (in Indonesia), several of whom had graduated from some very prestigious universities in their own country, in my country and in Europe. The question was never resented because it was a source of pride to them, as it should be. I asked because I was interested in them and respected their knowledge and accomplishments. Many of these guys outclassed me in their area of expertise.

It is so sad that a section of the American community would be insulted by such a question. It suggests that the person does not feel secure and comfortable with their status. I can only assume that this sensitivity comes from a long history of unreasonable suppression. I hope the next generation will feel more comfortable.

I never assume that when someone says something to me that they are basing it on my race. If someone told me they went to an impressive school, I'd be impressed - not because of their race but because I would be acknowledging their hard work and dedication to attend such a school. Let's face it - Community College - good for you! Harvard - WOW!

Someone commented that whites is lower case while Blacks is upper case - why is that? Why is it considered ethnic pride for a Black person to wear a t-shirt that says Black Power, but if you see a white guy in a t-shirt that says White Power you think he's a racist or a member of the KKK?

Why is it some ethnic groups call eachother names that coming from any other race would be treated with hostility? Isn't something disrespectful still disrespectful no matter WHO says it?

I could give a rip what someone says about me. I know who and what I am, and I'm pretty dang secure in that. If you want to call me names or do something to belittle me, I figure you've got personal problems and that maybe you'd even be helped by a little therapy. I've never seen any good come to someone who walked around with a constant chip on their shoulder and always expecting the worse from everyone. Matthew is right, the whole PC thing has gone way too far.

I have to say that I am a 29 year old Black female and I am not articulate. I try but I have a deep southern accent and I say things like "ax" instead of "ask". It is a very hard word to pronounce when you've been raised in New Orleans, LA. I am a Kansas City transplant since Hurricane Katrina and my friends ad collegues here say that when I get excited or angered about something it's pretty hard to understand anything I say because I talk to fast. So being complemented on being articulate would really make my day.

One last thought, we have to learn to accept people for who they are and that means understanding where they come from and the experiences that have made them who they are. I do not get offended when people "ax" (heehee) me questions about my race or culture or make comments regarding either unless they are being blatantly racist and obviously trying to insult or hurt me. Comments like the ones above do not offend me. I try to understand the person asking the question according to their experiences and the way they've been brought up and I answer the question. For instance the lady that got offended because her co worker commented that she didn't know our hair could be soft. That person views commercial after commercial for relaxers stating they will make your hair silky and smooth, so what is she supposed to assume? If your hair was silky and smooth to begin with you wouldn't need the relaxer, right? I agree that she maybe shouldn't have vocalized that part being that you both clearly did not have the type of relationship where she could say something like that to you. I just think people are so overly sensitive sometimes.

The reason some of the posters can't understand why certain statements are unacceptable and/or offensive is because they have no context for them.

My first job out of college was as a Writing Skills Specialist (well paid tutor) at the college in my hometown. It was an ideal job based on my experience and I was very good at it. Students struggling with writing were sent to me for remediation. Professors from any discipline could send students to the lab. About half way through the school year one of the professors who'd sent students to me was introduced to me at a meeting. Her response (which is as clear today as it was 30 years ago when it happened) was: You're doing a great job. I've heard so much about you and nobody told me you were Black.

Was that a compliment? I suppose I should be thankful that my racial ethnicity wasn't the lounge discussion.

I'm sure the professor thought that she was paying me and her colleagues a compliment because no one had felt the need to mention race when discussing the positive impact I was having. It is often ignorance but it shouldn't be excused.

I happen to be full blooded Native American,and I hear alot of made up words that everyone thinks are "indian" for one we are not "indian" nor do I like being refered to as one,another is "yata hay" is not native language and to tell me that you are cherokee please,all that is of different decent hear way to much and we did not ask.When one interupts ones conversation then one does not hear the whole question,and one tends to give the wrong answer.Thank You .